Which are the basic rules for behaving like a gentleman?

A few years ago I was seeing this Chinese woman woman was in the midst of a divorce (Chinese husband). Anyway she wanted to have her father ( a chef) fix me dinner. I go to the house and find the table covered in very labor intensive Chinese foods-chicken feet-fish heads etc. I picked at the food to be polite and I hear the husband tell something to his wife in Cantonese. She told me that he didn't think I liked the traditional food and wanted her to send out for something more "American". That just blew me away-he'd done so much work and was willing to send out just to please some picking eating white devil. He was so nice about it. Long story short-I cowboy ed up and began eating and complementing everything with both hands.

He died a couple of years later and sometime after that I was talking with the mom. She said this amazing thing. In 43 years of marriage, he'd never allowed her to wash his shorts. Even though she worked 7 days a week and was no delicate flower, he wasn't going to ask her to wash his dirty underwear.

I'd call him a gentleman.

beherethen said:

I go to the house and find the table covered in very labor intensive Chinese foods-chicken feet-fish heads etc. I picked at the food to be polite and I hear the husband tell something to his wife in Cantonese. She told me that he didn't think I liked the traditional food and wanted her to send out for something more "American". That just blew me away-he'd done so much work and was willing to send out just to please some picking eating white devil. He was so nice about it. Long story short-I cowboy ed up and began eating and complementing everything with both hands.

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I see this from a slightly different perspective. While it may have been considerate of him to offer to send out for different food, why did he ever let it come to that to begin with. He put you in a very uncomfortable position whichever way it went. Certainly you wouldn't want your host sending out for food just to appease you; but at the same time you shouldn't be put in a position of having to "cowboy" up and eat foot that you might not only dislike in terms of taste, but also in terms of cultural norms.

I had a similar situation years ago when a Japanese lady that I knew invited me to a Japanese dinner with her and her husband. She wanted me to experience some of the more traditional Japanese fare rather than the Americanized versions. At the same time she took great pains to make sure that there was enough Japanese cuisine on the table that most Americans would find palatable in terms of both taste and presentation. That way I wouldn't be forced into a situation where I had to eat anything that I might find distasteful.

If that lady that I knew could think this far ahead I certainly believe that the Chinese chef could have done so also. As your host he, unfortunately, put you in a lose-lose situation. Surely he knew that most Americans aren't likely going to want to dine on fish heads and chicken feet. But again, I agree that it was polite of him to attempt to rectify the situation; however, at that point it was beyond being repaired without you having to feel bad about it either way.

There's probably a lesson here about hosting folks from a different cultural background. :icon_smile:

Cruiser