[ShieldsOnTour]

Hi all,

I used to dress very well. Always wore a nice suit and dressed very well whilst not at work. However for the last couple of year's (mostly due to self esteem issues after my company went bust) I dressed badly and it was during this period I met my girlfriend (of 4 years now). Recently I've just managed to regain personal focus and am getting back to dressing well. Which is great. Except that I get nothing but criticism from the girlfriend - she keeps mocking me for trying to be "posh" etc.

Has anyone else here had this? Where some one close does not support a change in clothing style etc?

T.

 

[ToryBoy]

Her view:
To have to see it from her view-point too, she has seen you in a certain way and it is a shock to her. I once turned up in uni with trainers on, I got a lot 'stick' that day even from a lecture.

She knows the non-so-well-dressed ShieldsOnTour and it may seem to her you are being different. Think about it this way, for 1461 days to dressed a certain way then one day you changed. Have a chat with her, if you think she id going to far.


Your style:
If you are confident in what you are wearing, it will show. If you are nervous, it would seem you are trying too hard or being something you are not.

 

[TheWardrobeGirl]

Maybe your girlfriend is insecure about her own style or appearance and is consciously/subconsciously afraid that if you suddenly go through an "extreme makeover", you might also decide to makeover your relationship choice...

 

[deanayer]

....as Freud is not here....I'll take a stab.

This is that unique to the UK issue of class warfare rearing its ugly head. She has issues with you as a happening guy now that you are entering your post-slump phase. Its like she wanted a frog and is upset to discover a prince because she harbors all that tedious class stratification drivel in her head. She isn't not supporting your change in clothing styles she is not supporting your reemerging confident self. Tell her to get over it. Her issue is that she never imagined herself going out with a guy in suits because of what a guy in a suit implies in her world view, its superficial as hell and disrespectful, if she cant scale up to the returning you its for the best.

There, thats my "dear Abbey" take on the issue - now go buy a new suit and take her with you when you do it, call it aversion therapy, maybe she will have a breakthrough and if not well, you get a new suit out of the deal.

 

[Cruiser]

You said that you used to wear a suit while not at work. Is that what you are doing now? I expect that if I wore a suit during my leisure time my gf would have something to say about it also.

One can overdress as easily as underdress. I don't know if you are doing that or not, but if anyone is going to do either, overdress or underdress, they generally need the support of their significant other or there is likely to be conflict. Both overdressing and underdressing draws attention which some find uncomfortable, and as a couple any attention toward one is also attention toward the other.

This is why when couples are going out on a date, especially a first date, they often aguish over what to wear because most desire to be dressed in the same manner as the other so neither will feel out of place with the other. Then if it turns out that you are both overdressed or underdressed for the situation, well, at least you are in it together. :icon_smile:

Cruiser

 

[Flanderian]

Hi all,

I used to dress very well. Always wore a nice suit and dressed very well whilst not at work. However for the last couple of year's (mostly due to self esteem issues after my company went bust) I dressed badly and it was during this period I met my girlfriend (of 4 years now). Recently I've just managed to regain personal focus and am getting back to dressing well. Which is great. Except that I get nothing but criticism from the girlfriend - she keeps mocking me for trying to be "posh" etc.

Has anyone else here had this? Where some one close does not support a change in clothing style etc?

T.

There was a lot of this with the current wife. And to make maters worse, I sometimes offered unsolicited assistance with her dress. This behavior made both of us unhappy. Eventually we both learned not to offer opinions unless they're asked for, and to accept the other person's preferences. Sometimes to get what you want, you can't always have what you like.

 

[Scoundrel]

This happens to the best of us. Not too long ago, I was letting an ex-girlfriend make a fool out of me: dressing in t-shirts and sneakers in public, listening to rock, when with her. I thought it would never happen, but it did. What can I say, all's fair in love and war. I look back at the experience and realize, if I am not careful, I am vulnerable to change the way I dress for someone. Now, I say to myself I will definitely make sure my future girlfriend can live with my clothing and footwear choices. I have nothing to change!

 

[choirmaestro]

There was a lot of this with the current wife. And to make maters worse, I sometimes offered unsolicited assistance with her dress. This behavior made both of us unhappy. Eventually we both learned not to offer opinions unless they're asked for, and to accept the other person's preferences. Sometimes to get what you want, you can't always have what you like.

+1

I love my wife - I really do, but since having children she dresses frumpy. This bothers me a lot, especially when she's a professional herself and and great one. At the same time, it bothers her when we're out together and I've put together a nice outfit, and she hasn't thought it through. I've learned that to respect another person, you've got to let them make their own choices. No matter what, be yourself AND choose your words carefully. After all, it's not the suit she chose to have a relationship with.

It will probably come to a point when you will try to explain to her WHY you like to dress well. Again, choose your words carefully. She may struggle to understand why dressing well helps you feel good about yourself in a different way than she can; and it's not just the people (men AND women) we choose to have relationship with. ANYBODY can read too much into our desire to dress well.

Anyway, I've preached to the choir too much. good luck!

 

[ctt]

My fiance makes sure that we have similar level of dress when we go anywhere. She gets upset when I wear something nicer when I know she's bumming around in a sweatshirt.

Does your girlfriend not have nicer clothes making her feel mismatched with you or is it a "too cool" to wear nice clothes attitude?

 

[Blueboy1938]

Startling!

Gee, I would have thought that the girlfriend would be delighted that you tarted up a bit. This surprises me no end. Maybe she's a little insecure that you may be moving out of her "class" in the generic, non-British or Hindu sense.

Here's a strategy, perhaps: Plan a few events at upscale venues and encourage her to dress up, too. Maybe she'll like that you want her to be seen on your dressed-up arm, looking smashing:icon_smile_big:

 

[choirmaestro]

Here's a strategy, perhaps: Plan a few events at upscale venues and encourage her to dress up, too. Maybe she'll like that you want her to be seen on your dressed-up arm, looking smashing:icon_smile_big:

I'd be cautious of forcing her into a situation like that. It may make things worse. I'm generally cautious of anything that slightly looks like a "reforming" effort.

 

[Bowling Greener]

Start small. Go with khakis and button-downs.

A suit and tie requires a real occasion for which to wear it to, such as a business meeting or a dinner party. It is not casual apparel, and to wear it as such really is an example of overdressing.

 

[cosmotoast]

I understand exactly what you are going through. I went for years dressing poorly then a close friend gouged me up about wearing a tie with a short sleeve shirt and advised me to join this forum. It wasnt long before I knew what was proper and what was hideous clothing. I started dressing better and my wife,friends and family gave me hell and called me G.Q. and Mr fancypants.I hung in there and they finally just got used to it!
Cosmo

 

[Cruiser]

Not too long ago, I was letting an ex-girlfriend make a fool out of me: dressing in t-shirts and sneakers in public, listening to rock, when with her.

Dang Scoundrel, I did this even when I didn't have a girl to blame. Come to think of it I did it today, although it was a long sleeve tee and I had a leather jacket on over it. We do have to make concessions to 30 degree temps. :icon_smile_big:

Cruiser

 

[Scoundrel]

Start small. Go with khakis and button-downs.

A suit and tie requires a real occasion for which to wear it to, such as a business meeting or a dinner party. It is not casual apparel, and to wear it as such really is an example of overdressing.

+1000

 

[burnedandfrozen]

It could be that she is afraid you'll start getting more attention from other women as well. Whatever the case, she sounds insecure. It really shouldn't be that big of a deal but if it continues to be for her, perhaps it might be time to toss this back. I've always thought that women, as a general rule, dated "up". However, I find that more and more often, there seems to be an awful lot of otherwise smart, beautiful women who settle and don't seem to be able to raise the bar.

 

[Sator]

Maybe your girlfriend is insecure about her own style or appearance and is consciously/subconsciously afraid that if you suddenly go through an "extreme makeover", you might also decide to makeover your relationship choice...

The other thing is that you are likely making her feel inadequate by being seen beside you. Gently tell her that rather than dragging you down, she should use the opportunity to pick up her own game too. Take her out shopping and buy her some nice clothes. Get her out of jeans/t-shirts and encourage her to wear nice dresses, and skirts. Make sure she wears them when you both dress up to go out to a nice restaurant, the opera, or a jazz club. That usually patches things up.

I have encouraged my partner to take up sewing, and brought her a sewing machine for Christmas. I have even figured out how to draft a pattern for a basic tailored skirt. I am going next draft a multi-gored skirt using the two panel tailored skirt pattern as the basis. The muslin fit for the tailored skirt looked very good too, although I had to systematically point out to her how a bespoke pattern was a dramatic improvement over the RTW skirts she had in her closet.

I use a 1942 text by Harriet Peppin to draft (I'm sure TheWardrobeGirl knows the book) to draft. I had to slowly convince her that the skirt waistband should sit on the natural waistline and that the tight fitting and dead straight pencil silhouette skirts currently fashionable aren't actually slimming, and it was better to have a bit of an A-line to make the waist look narrow compared to the hem. That's how Lucille Ball wears her skirts and l love the look.

 

[TheWardrobeGirl]

The best way to get your girlfriends to dress up is to compliment them when they do. (Positive reinforcement I think is the best way to achieve anything)...I know if someone tells me I look great in something either that is the first thing I reach for in my closet, or I shop for other similar things. I think most girls will agree, hearing "You look great!" every so often makes our day for a LONG time!

 

[ShieldsOnTour]

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies and encouragement.

I would like to point out that I don't wear suits whilst not at work (although re-reading my original post I can see why people may have thought that) - I just no longer wear just ripped jeans/trainers/old T-shirt.


T.

 

[misterdonuts]

The best way to get your girlfriends to dress up is to compliment them when they do. (Positive reinforcement I think is the best way to achieve anything)...I know if someone tells me I look great in something either that is the first thing I reach for in my closet, or I shop for other similar things. I think most girls will agree, hearing "You look great!" every so often makes our day for a LONG time!

Blimey, I thought that the way to a girl's heart is to tell her that eveything in her closet is rubbish and unflattering! Take them all off!!:icon_smile_big:

ShieldsOnTour, one dandy code of practice is, "Always remember that you dress to fascinate others, not yourself." However, I do not believe there are any restrictions for selecting or changing those that constitute "others."