[PJC in NoVa]

The wedding party is included as far as what I mean. It would be very odd (in my opinion) if the wedding party was all wearing the same clothes (unless, of course, they were all in the same regiment or something else military-related and they're dressed in military uniform).

IME, sometimes the groom, best man, and father of the bride will wear an item that makes them a bit distinctive, such as perhaps a cravat in place of a four-in-hand tie with their morning coats (if a daytime wedding), but groomsmen (the ushers) are typically expected to match one another.

Women often commiserate with one another about having been bridesmaids, because a) it means having had to wear an outfit that others were wearing, normally a huge anti-desideratum for the distaff side; and b) if the women are of varying physical types, finding a single outfit that flatters all equally well is considered a near-impossibility.

At the one ethnic-Indian wedding I've attended (it was a mixed marriage between a Hindu man and a Parsee lady), the groomsmen wore matching shameez kalwar with scarves or stoles, while the father of the bride wore a morning coat, vest, and striped cravat and walked his daughter down the aisle. The groom matched his groomsmen, as I recall, except that he had on a turban. I was told later that the walking down the aisle was a mix & match element borrowed from Western wedding customs because the bride and her father were very close and wanted to have this moment and memory to share. The bride and groom also exchanged gold wedding bands--whether this was a matter of Subcontinental tradition or another instance of borrowing from Western customs, I did not ascertain. No one seemed to mind any of it in the slightest.

 

[Cruiser]

It's not about doing it better, it's about doing it the correct way. There is a correct way and there are incorrect ways (within the context of clothing), and that's all there is to it.

It isn't about what is correct or incorrect, or what is better or worse, or anything like that. It's about what the bride and groom want from their wedding party, "and that's all there is to it."

If you are asked to be in a wedding party and you don't want to comply with any of the bride and groom's wishes, then you should just decline to be in the wedding party. You don't accept and then do as you please, no matter how correct what you are doing may be.

Do we get so hung up on clothes that common courtesy and good manners get pushed aside. You don't hijack someone else's wedding just so you can be "correct" in your attire, even in a matter as insignificant as shoes if you have been requested to wear something else.

Cruiser

 

[Scoundrel]

Yeah, I don't see how showing up to a wedding in a bonafide, grown-up ensemble (i.e., a proper tuxedo) is being disrespectful or "hi-jacking" anything. A wedding is a festivity that is meant to be enjoyed by all. Wear what you will enjoy yourself in. The focus will not be on who is wearing what, anyway, but on the act that is occurring. I'm sure if your friend knew you have a tuxedo, he would encourage you to wear it to the wedding. Only a true fool will be caught standing in wrinkled, rented polyester during a wedding, all while a proper tuxedo (owned by him) hangs in his closet.

 

[Blueboy1938]

Yeah, I don't see how showing up to a wedding in a bonafide, grown-up ensemble (i.e., a proper tuxedo) is being disrespectful or "hi-jacking" anything. A wedding is a festivity that is meant to be enjoyed by all. Wear what you will enjoy yourself in. The focus will not be on who is wearing what, anyway, but on the act that is occurring. I'm sure if your friend knew you have a tuxedo, he would encourage you to wear it to the wedding. Only a true fool will be caught standing in wrinkled, rented polyester during a wedding, all while a proper tuxedo (owned by him) hangs in his closet.

That's fine for a guest, but not for a member of a wedding party.

 

[clfrucel]

Of course he should level about this. If the plastic canal boats really do fit, and he has no physical/medical reason for not wearing them, then he should suck it up and sport 'em for a few hours.

They don't fit...not very well anyways. They are certainly not as comfortable as my PA's, but they are not so uncomfortable that I couldn't just suck it up for a few hours and wear them if I had to.

I did ask the groom though, and as expected, he didn't have a problem with me wearing them. Still, I asked him to check with the bride for the final OK - it is her wedding, and if she has any problem with it whatsoever then I'm going with the plastic shoes.

Again, having known both of them for so long, I asked under the assumption that they wouldn't really care. If they do, then I wear what they picked out - no harm, no foul.

 

[PJC in NoVa]

They don't fit...not very well anyways. They are certainly not as comfortable as my PA's, but they are not so uncomfortable that I couldn't just suck it up for a few hours and wear them if I had to.

I did ask the groom though, and as expected, he didn't have a problem with me wearing them. Still, I asked him to check with the bride for the final OK - it is her wedding, and if she has any problem with it whatsoever then I'm going with the plastic shoes.

Again, having known both of them for so long, I asked under the assumption that they wouldn't really care. If they do, then I wear what they picked out - no harm, no foul.

Good luck to you.

Best case is that She Who Must Be Obeyed only worked this rented-shoe wheeze to forestall the prospect that some other male member of the wedding party might show up in black loafers, or black Chucks or Doc Martens and hence she won't have a problem with your choice of smart-looking and highly practical captoe bals in a fine calf leather.

 

[clfrucel]

Good luck to you.

Best case is that She Who Must Be Obeyed only worked this rented-shoe wheeze to forestall the prospect that some other male member of the wedding party might show up in black loafers, or black Chucks or Doc Martens and hence she won't have a problem with your choice of smart-looking and highly practical captoe bals in a fine calf leather.

Hopefully so - otherwise this would be the first wedding I've been in that actually REQUIRED a particular shoe. All of my other weddings have had a shoe picked out, but it was only used as a guideline or a backup solution in case the groomsmen didn't already have an appropriate shoe to wear.

 

[Cruiser]

Yeah, I don't see how showing up to a wedding in a bonafide, grown-up ensemble (i.e., a proper tuxedo) is being disrespectful or "hi-jacking" anything.

The OP isn't just "showing up to a wedding". He's a member of the wedding party, not simply a guest. Big difference.

Cruiser

 

[Taliesin]

The OP isn't just "showing up to a wedding". He's a member of the wedding party, not simply a guest. Big difference.

Cruiser

Some people take this stuff so seriously! Sheesh, it's just clothing at a wedding. I happen to know that the vast majority of real Americans who responded to a scientific survey I conducted do not notice, or care about, the difference between square-toe shoes and AE Park Avenues. People on this forum need to remember that at the end of the day, we all just do what works for us, and we should all accept that the deliberate choice of a square toed shoe or a Park Avenue, or patent leather pumps for that matter, is based on our own individual style, not the "rules" of a bunch of Internet clothing forum participants. Smile.

Taliesin

 

[ksinc]

Hello all,

So in a few months I'm going to be a groomsman in my friend's wedding. He has chosen a black "tux" with a black 2B notch-lapel jacket, black vest, and black necktie - not exactly my cup of tea, but fortunately it's not my wedding either.

I'm not going to bother trying to change his mind on what he picked out, but I would prefer to avoid wearing the square-toed patent leather shoes he selected as well (just can't stand the square-toed look). I recently bought a pair of Park Avenues in black - I'd much prefer to wear those, but would they be appropriate for such an outfit? (would they be formal enough?)

Thank you for you response!

I'm guessing you either aren't married or were still drunk from the party the night before when you got married.

Wear what the girl picked out and do it with grace. Save your friend any extra grief and absorb all you can on his behalf. He'll have his hands full on wedding day without carrying your square-toed-shoe-phobia around on his shoulders.

It has nothing to do with you or what you want or consider correct. It's HER wedding. And it's mostly about pictures.

The last thing you want is for him to hear about it for the next 30 years ... unless you don't like the guy; in which case don't go.

 

[Literide]

What may be "correct" formal footwear is not relevant as the groomsman will be wearing black notch lapel suits with shiny lapels, high button vests, and black FIH if I read the first post correctly. So eveing pumps, patent leathers, highly polished cap toes or whole cuts, anything that might pass as correct formal footwear is not required or even relevant. While the implulse to retain a smidge of dignity by wearing ones own shoes as opposed to rented garbage is understandable, I think you may as well surrender lest you offend someone who took great if misguided pain in selecting the UOTD. Then hope the marriage doesnt last so the photoes will be ritually burned at some point and wont hang around for decades of embarassment.

Cheers,

 

[PinkPlaidSocks]

Some people take this stuff so seriously! Sheesh, it's just clothing at a wedding. I happen to know that the vast majority of real Americans who responded to a scientific survey I conducted do not notice, or care about, the difference between square-toe shoes and AE Park Avenues. People on this forum need to remember that at the end of the day, we all just do what works for us, and we should all accept that the deliberate choice of a square toed shoe or a Park Avenue, or patent leather pumps for that matter, is based on our own individual style, not the "rules" of a bunch of Internet clothing forum participants. Smile.

Taliesin

:aportnoy:

 

[Wall]

I hate to look back on what I made my wedding party wear the day of my wedding. The clothing, however wretched, still doesnt ruin what a wonderful day that was. If I had to do it over again now it would look wildly different.

 

[clfrucel]

I'm guessing you either aren't married or were still drunk from the party the night before when you got married.

Wear what the girl picked out and do it with grace. Save your friend any extra grief and absorb all you can on his behalf. He'll have his hands full on wedding day without carrying your square-toed-shoe-phobia around on his shoulders.

It has nothing to do with you or what you want or consider correct. It's HER wedding. And it's mostly about pictures.

The last thing you want is for him to hear about it for the next 30 years ... unless you don't like the guy; in which case don't go.

Implying that I was drunk is always a constructive way to start off a post . Just out of curiosity...were you drunk when you responded? (yes...I did just ask that after my previous sentence :icon_smile_big

I don't recall asking for a commentary on whether or not I should wear the shoes based on the bride or groom's preference, but whether the PA's would be appropriate with the outfit he had picked. Let me be clear on this though - it is not that I don't care about their preference, it is that I don't care about YOUR opinion on the matter of whether or not I should abide by their wishes (of which I most certainly would)...especially when you respond in such a way. I was only concerned with the PA's being an appropriate shoe for the outfit -a simple "yes" or "no" would have sufficed.

Additionally, please read through the entire thread (and my other posts) before writing a response. Given that I wouldn't expect them to have a problem with it at all, I see no harm in asking if I can wear different shoes 3 months before the wedding.

Anyways....just to update - neither the bride nor the groom had any issue with me wearing the PA's. I asked him to please let me know if he changed his mind, in which case I would wear what they picked - problem solved.

 

[ksinc]

Implying that I was drunk is always a constructive way to start off a post . Just out of curiosity...were you drunk when you responded? (yes...I did just ask that after my previous sentence :icon_smile_big

I don't recall asking for a commentary on whether or not I should wear the shoes based on the bride or groom's preference, but whether the PA's would be appropriate with the outfit he had picked. Let me be clear on this though - it is not that I don't care about their preference, it is that I don't care about YOUR opinion on the matter of whether or not I should abide by their wishes (of which I most certainly would)...especially when you respond in such a way. I was only concerned with the PA's being an appropriate shoe for the outfit -a simple "yes" or "no" would have sufficed.

Additionally, please read through the entire thread (and my other posts) before writing a response. Given that I wouldn't expect them to have a problem with it at all, I see no harm in asking if I can wear different shoes 3 months before the wedding.

Anyways....just to update - neither the bride nor the groom had any issue with me wearing the PA's. I asked him to please let me know if he changed his mind, in which case I would wear what they picked - problem solved.

Get over yourself.

 

[ottawa_adam]

Completely agree. You are being very selfish and self centered if you deviate from the rest of the wedding party. Wear what the bride picks out or dont participate in the wedding party.

Weddings are silly and a waste of money.

 

[mrkleen]

Weddings are silly and a waste of money.

Not sure how your point is relevant to the rest of the discussion, but thanks for sharing.

 

[ottawa_adam]

Yeah, I don't see how showing up to a wedding in a bonafide, grown-up ensemble (i.e., a proper tuxedo) is being disrespectful or "hi-jacking" anything. A wedding is a festivity that is meant to be enjoyed by all. Wear what you will enjoy yourself in. The focus will not be on who is wearing what, anyway, but on the act that is occurring. I'm sure if your friend knew you have a tuxedo, he would encourage you to wear it to the wedding. Only a true fool will be caught standing in wrinkled, rented polyester during a wedding, all while a proper tuxedo (owned by him) hangs in his closet.

I whole-heartedly agree, Sir!

 

[Mike Petrik]

Weddings are silly and a waste of money.

Weddings are wonderful and important. Receptions are often imprudent in their cost and extravagence.

 

[ottawa_adam]

I'm guessing you either aren't married or were still drunk from the party the night before when you got married.

Wear what the girl picked out and do it with grace. Save your friend any extra grief and absorb all you can on his behalf. He'll have his hands full on wedding day without carrying your square-toed-shoe-phobia around on his shoulders.

It has nothing to do with you or what you want or consider correct. It's HER wedding. And it's mostly about pictures.

The last thing you want is for him to hear about it for the next 30 years ... unless you don't like the guy; in which case don't go.

Why does everyone say it's "her" wedding. Isn't it both their wedding? What about rules of equality where these decisions should be shared. Again, wedding are silly. If someone remembers, ten years from now, that the OP was wearing the wrong shoes, then SHE has the problem, not the OP!