[Cruiser]

I think there are two questions here. First, are the PAs appropriate with a tuxedo? I think so. I don't own patent leather shoes. My shoe of choice with a tuxedo is a simple black captoe like the PA.

The second question is should you wear your PAs at the wedding? I think that is a question for the bride and groom to answer, and I think you should abide by their wishes. Like you said, it's not your wedding and you don't have to be a part of it; but if you do I think you should go along with whatever they desire. Just ask them if it's OK with them and don't spring this on them at the last minute.

Cruiser

 

[Cruiser]

I'm really surprised, or maybe I'm not, at the number of suggestions that are being offered to avoid complying with the wishes of the bride and groom. All of them, beyond merely asking for permission and accepting the answer given, involve manipulating the truth so it doesn't look like what it is, a lie.

Would you guys be as forgiving if the situation was reversed and someone did this to you because they thought it was in some way better than what you wanted? What if your Best Man substituted those ugly square toed shoes for the "proper" shoes that you asked him to wear and didn't tell you he was going to do it? Or made up some story to cover for his deception? It's the same thing that some are suggesting.

If you don't want to be a part of it, then don't. But if you do and tell your friend that you will, be a friend he can trust and go along with his requests even if it isn't what you would do if it was your wedding. As important as some think clothing choices are, there are some things in life that are more important; like friendship, relationships, honesty, trust.

Just a thought.

Cruiser

 

[Cruiser]

I wouldn't make my friends look like clowns. I would want them to be properly attired.

But keep in mind that not only isn't it your wedding, but something that looks good to you may not look good to one of your friends. After all, if there weren't a lot of guys who thought those ugly square toed shoes look good, there wouldn't be ugly square toed shoes out there. At times we must look at things from the other person's perspective.

Like I said, if a member of your wedding party didn't like those "proper" shoes that you chose for him, wouldn't you want him to ask your permission to substitute the square toed shoes before he just showed up on wedding day wearing them? These things work both ways.

Plus, far too much focus is placed on these matters at weddings. Afterall, isn't a wedding about celebrating a union and not which shoes the groomen will be wearing?

I couldn't agree with you more on that, but that isn't the point. It's still their wedding, not yours. That makes it their decision as to how much emphasis they want placed on this or that. Your decision is simply whether or not you want to be a participant, which you should decline to do if you don't feel that you can comply with their wishes.

Who knows, they may not care; but it's still their call and the OP is correctly respecting that by asking first. That makes him more of a gentleman and a friend even if he does end up in ugly square toed shoes.:icon_smile:

Cruiser

 

[Cruiser]

It's not about doing it better, it's about doing it the correct way. There is a correct way and there are incorrect ways (within the context of clothing), and that's all there is to it.

It isn't about what is correct or incorrect, or what is better or worse, or anything like that. It's about what the bride and groom want from their wedding party, "and that's all there is to it."

If you are asked to be in a wedding party and you don't want to comply with any of the bride and groom's wishes, then you should just decline to be in the wedding party. You don't accept and then do as you please, no matter how correct what you are doing may be.

Do we get so hung up on clothes that common courtesy and good manners get pushed aside. You don't hijack someone else's wedding just so you can be "correct" in your attire, even in a matter as insignificant as shoes if you have been requested to wear something else.

Cruiser

 

[Cruiser]

Yeah, I don't see how showing up to a wedding in a bonafide, grown-up ensemble (i.e., a proper tuxedo) is being disrespectful or "hi-jacking" anything.

The OP isn't just "showing up to a wedding". He's a member of the wedding party, not simply a guest. Big difference.

Cruiser

 

[Cruiser]

While I'm not a wedding fashion historian, it occurs to me the above quote summarizes the current paradigm: "It's all about the bride".
The wedding "industry": catering, wedding dress, honeymoon destination, floral arrangements, and wedding attire, etc. shapes our thinking

I think it's just the opposite. Women shape the industry rather than the other way around.

Most men, the members of this forum excepted of course, don't give a hoot in hades about the wedding ceremony, who's going to wear what, etc. Most just want to get it over with. I suspect the average guy would just as soon go down to the Justice of the Peace or the Minister's office in whatever he happens to be wearing and and just, to quote Larry the Cable Guy, "git r done".

Women on the other hand tend to obsess over every tiny detail of a wedding. Most live for that day. Accordingly, the wedding "industry" caters to women. Almost every aspect of that business is directed at women, even down to the clothes that the men wear. In short, the women drive that industry and make most of the decisions.

For example, when I got married I just wanted to know when, where, and what do you want me to wear? I think that the only thing I objected to was the flower on my lapel. I said "I'm not wearing a corsage, and that's final." So as I stood there in front of the minister with the flower on my lapel------ :icon_smile_big:

Cruiser